Dear Humans,

I am not sure that you noticed but last night I only had 1/2 of the bed. That is not the agreement that we laid out when I first choose you to be my humans. Now, I understand that you humans would like to split the bed into thirds so that we all have a equal share BUT this is not an equal relationship.

You do not go into the yard and investigate for the ground demons that tunnel in the earth. I do and therefore I protect all of the grassy knoll. What do you do to protect our grass? I’ve seen you take the machine out there and you accomplish nothing but making my feet green when you’re all done. It’s just causing more problems.

You do not take the matter of the neighbor dog’s violating opinions seriously. Instead I must bark consistently back at him while you lounge on the patio. Your lack of consideration in this matter and blatant disregard for taking care of this problem is unsettling.

Have I mentioned that you NEVER check the windows and doors? EVER! No matter how many people walk by the windows or get in and out of their cars you NEVER check in on the matter. It’s because of you that I must be responsible for this matter. Without me we could possibly have people in our yard. Do  you understand that that is not okay?

Even worse, you’ve ignored the squirrels, birds and other creatures that are trying to take over our home. Have you seen that cat? That cat is bad news. You should be doing more about this. Also, the last time it stormed you didn’t even show any interest in the loud bangs. I think you are truly deaf and if it wasn’t for me warning you then you may never actually know what is going on out there!

You are truly unable to finish a meal on your own. Not only can I finish my own breakfast and lunch BUT I have to help you too. Now, this one I don’t mind but have you even thought what you would without my help? I doubt it.

I do this and much, much more around this home. Without me, you would be hopeless. Remember this when I ask for half of the bed. Between the two of you humans you can’t possibly do my job and therefore I will need to make this request in writing. I hope you consider your actions last night and realize that it is 100% inappropriate. I do not want to go on strike so let’s solve this problem tonight.

Sincerely,

The Dog